Plagiarizer

I got to level with you all, I stole that last post from myself. Here's the whole comedy routine. Let me know what you think, I know it's kinda hard to read, just picture me saying. Here you go:

Have you ever noticed how in action movies they always show the hero in boot camp type training? You know they swing over a mud pit, climb over a wall, crawl under barbed wire. Part of the training camp always involves being blindfolded and constructing a gun. There’s always someone looking over their shoulder with a stop watch timing them. Why? Do they ever have to construct a gun under a certain time limit in the movie? Let alone in the dark? You always see them climbing walls or swinging from one building to another to get into the villain’s lair, but never building a gun in 30 seconds. Imagine it you see them as they’re being chased through a shopping center and they encounter a “Build a Gun” gun shop and what’s this, the power is out, no lights! Never happens. Don’t worry though I’m going to write an action movie and put a seen like that in it. I’ll even spoil the ending of my unmade movie right now: The hero dies at the end. That’s right he dies. That’s how I’m going to end it. The hero thought he was hot stuff and did not spend as much time building guns with a blindfold on as he should have and he’ll falter under the pressure and die. The men in ski masks will come in they’ll shoot the hero up good. Here’s something off the subject, why do they call them ski masks? Have you ever seen anyone skiing with one of those masks? No, but on the news they’ll talk about a bank that was robbed and the bank robber was wearing a “ski mask”. Yes I did make quotations because I think they should be called something different. I think the new name for “ski mask” needs to be robber mask or bad guy mask. Just a thought. So the hero dies. There you go now I don’t have to make my movie and you don’t have to see it. It’s one less thing that I have to procrastinate.
Procrastination. I looked up procrastination and you know what it literally means? Forward to tomorrow. That’s fitting I guess. While I was looking that up I found a website that promised to “finally stop procrastinating”. I was too busy to find out more so I’ll do it later. Just kidding, now we’ve all heard those jokes about procrastination but seriously don’t make a procrastinator do something, they’re just going to put it off till tomorrow. I personally think that procrastination is human nature and we shouldn’t feel bad for doing it. For example I made all this up about 20 minutes ago and I feel like it’s going great. I mean look at it this way, we put off death as long as we possibly can. Another side note, why do we send flowers or plants when someone dies? Isn’t that a little insensitive? “Sorry about your dad that died, but here’s a plant. So that every time you see it you’ll think of him. Then when the plant dies it will remind you again of your dead father.” So back to procrastinating death. Everyone wants to procrastinate death so why is putting off my bills such a bad thing, huh?
Speaking of things we shouldn’t do here’s another thing that we “shouldn’t do”, don’t drink and drive. There are commercials telling us not to do it, magazine ads, all that kind of stuff. I was driving the other day and I saw a license plate cover that said, “Don’t Drink and Drive.” At that point isn’t it a little too late. I mean, (in a drunken voice) “Dang, you mean I shouldn’t be in this car driving right now. Oops”. Then they pull over and throw up. Seriously though don’t drink and drive.
Another thing that I saw while driving was a license plate that said TJSRIDE. I think that means “TJ’s Ride”. You know what I’m going to do the next time that I see a license plate like that at a mall? I’m going to stand by the car till they come out. I’m going to pretend to be trying to use my keys to get into it and when they ask me what I’m doing I’m going to walk around to the back of the car. “TJSRIDE? Oh shoot! How embarrassing, I thought this was my ride, but obviously I’m mistaken because the plate clearly says that it’s your ride. Hi, you must be TJ.” I guess if the guy loses his car a lot the license plate could help him out. “Where is my dang car!? Oh there it is, TJSRIDE. That’s me, I’m TJ.” Or anti theft. Maybe TJ has a neighbor that recognizes TJ’s ride. “Heh honey isn’t that TJ’s ride? Wait a second that’s not TJ driving! What the heck is going on!? Quick call the cops!” Good old TJ.
The other thing that bugs me is when people put stuff like, “My other car is a bike” or “My other car is a boat”. Hate to burst your bubble folks a bike is not a car, a boat is not a car, a motorcycle is not a car, and an airplane is not a car. I want to get a license plate cover that says something like, “My other car is a zucchini” or “My other car is a loaf of bread.” Just to confuse people. “Is he a produce guy? What the…” “Is he a baker? I don’t get it.” In my current situation mine would read, “My other car is…wait this IS my other car”.
You know what makes me laugh? People with their crazy ring tones. You know the people. There’s one in about every office. They’re so eager to show off their new annoying ring tone to everyone around them, but the second that it goes off for real they’re embarrassed and they answer it as fast as they can. They’ll run clear across the office, leap over cubicles, they’ll even push down the boss. It’s greatest is when it goes off in a meeting and they try to act like it’s not their phone playing the theme from the Smurfs. “Huh, what phone? I don’t hear anything.” “Seriously dude you’re not fooling anyone. It’s coming from your pocket man.” I love it even more when Whity McWhite has some gansta rap as their ring tone and it goes off in front of some folks from the “hood”. I love it when guys have their girlfriend’s favorite song as their ring tone. They’re hanging with their “boys” and suddenly you hear Barbara Streisand break out into “Memories” or something totally girly. Or when it’s a really offensive song and they’re talking with their boss, suddenly you have something in your pocket talking about pimps and hoes.
Another thing that makes me laugh is the stupid things that people, including me, say. Like, “The first chance he has, he’s going to be out of here”, as opposed to waiting for the second chance for something to happen. “Here’s your chance”, “No thanks I’ll wait for the second chance”. I used to work in the mall and I had a lady come in and ask the time. She was wearing a watch and I think she saw me look at it because she promptly said that the battery had died. Then she turned to her friend in all seriousness and said, "I wonder what time the battery died". When I was in high school I used to bring my guitar to school and people would honestly ask me, “Do you play the guitar?”, no I just carry the case around for the fun of it.